


Daffodils

by Verhaal



Category: Assassination Classroom
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-05
Updated: 2018-04-05
Packaged: 2019-04-18 10:07:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14210799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Verhaal/pseuds/Verhaal
Summary: In the dim hospital hall, the yellow roses witness Karma's cry for absolution, but it was the single daffodil petal amidst them all that catches his tears.





	Daffodils

Karma hates the sound of retching behind locked doors, hates the sound of running water washing away the proof of what ~~he~~ they did, and the heavy breaths that comes after. He hates the smell that wafts in the air when the door clicks open and hates the yellow light that floods the empty living room. He hates the sound of shuffling feet, of a creaking bed, and of the wordless sobs that still rings loud despite smothering pillows and separating thin walls. From the safety of his own bedroom door- slightly open to watch Manami's nightly loop of midnight secrecy, he curses _curses curses_ himself for doing this to his best friend.

It hurts Karma to see Manami suffering on her own like this. They promised before, did they not? That they will not lie to each other. Honesty is key in their arrangement of friendship and co-habitation, and up until that point, they had stayed true to their words. For Manami to hide what she's been going through all these time is nothing short of betrayal to them both. But Karma will say nothing of it, just like the way he said nothing of his own lies.

\-----

Karma remembers flushed skin, ragged breathes, and fumbling hands. They were both stupid, whispering sweet nothings in each others ears and being so reckless in their inebriation. He remembers holding Manami so close that he still hears the beating of her heart and feels their tangled limbs.

He knew it was wrong. That night when they were both giggling mindlessly, intoxicated by glass after glass of hard liquor, he knew it was wrong. Crossing lines was never his forte. He's always been perfect actions, calculated words, multiple options. Everything that happenes in his life is accounted for, very rarely surprised and never without a plan.

That night was a miscalculation, a slip he allowed himself to make because to him, Manami's always been trust and safety- a need that he's willing to keep by his side despite the growing dependence he knows will only be trouble later on. It was his comfort, she was his comfort. With her, he can never be wrong, but when, in a thoughtless attempt to feel her warmth on his fingertips once more, his hands trembles over empty space and unoccupied pillows, Karma thinks she was probably his biggest mistake.

He wonders how long he can play the fool and let his bestfriend bear the weight of their faults by herself.

\------

It has almost been a month since the crying stopped. Sleep came much more peacefully to Karma and for some time he forgot about the guilt that used to plague him at night. But when he came home one day to the limp body of his ~~roommate~~ ~~bestfriend~~ Manami (he doesn't know how to label her now) sprawled on the floor, he's reminded of the reality that forgetting something does not mean it's not there.

\-----

Karma does not dare look the raven-haired girl in the eyes, does not know if he can, because Manami did not, does not, will not ever deserve this- him telling her to choose between two evils that his own actions burdened her with. Instead, he fixed his gaze towards window and the dark clouds outside, waiting for the storm to come.

"The flowers are beautiful, Karma-kun."

"I guess so, but--"

"Hmm. I'm glad, you know. I don't really regret anything."

Karma still does not meet her eyes but he knows that Manami has this small smile on her face like she usually does whenever she tries to reassure him of something.

He thinks he does not want to lose that smile ever so he says what he came for. "Have it removed, Manami," he says through gritted teeth, voice almost drowned out by the clap of thunder that came almost after.

The storm starts knocking on the window.

"Remove it?" Manami laughs- a low, blood-curling laugh that Karma thinks has no place spilling out from her lips. "Do you know how much that hurts coming from you?"

"I just don't want to see you hurt." Raindrops batter the hospital window and Karma finds himself unable to look away.

"I've been hurt enough, it can't possibly be worse."

"Manami, please-"

"Was that easy to say?" Manami's voice fills the room- anger rearing its ugly head in her growing hysteria. "Was that easy to say just like how you said--"

"MANAMI!" This time, Karma snaps his attention towards the hunched form on the bed and feels guilt claw an irreparable mark on his chest.

Manami sits at the edge of the bed, arms wrapped around the knees folded close to her chest. Her hands clasp and unclasp as if unsure whether to keep her barely held together form supported or to just let it fall apart completely. Her head is turned sideways and from where he stands, Karma sees burning brown eyes staring indignantly at the vase of flowers that he himself brought. The sight elicits a bitterness from his gut and he wants to demand forgiveness from the broken girl sitting in front of him, but he swallows it down. He has no right.

They stay glued to their spots, lips unmoving and breaths hitching in their throats.

The storm rages loudly outside.

\----

"Maybe I will."

"What?"

"Just forget you."

"Why?"

Manami shakes her head slowly, willing herself not to cry. "Do you remember? That night you told me you love me?"

Karma remembers, how could he forget when it haunts him every time he sees her face.

"I waited for years, Karma-kun. Aside from Nagisa, I've always been the closest to you. When it came to working in pairs, if you had me, you never complained. When things bothered you, you asked me first what I think. Even after graduating, even after separating for years, it was me you came back to." The words are rushed, as if Manami is ashamed to be even saying them.

"I wanted you to pick me, even though I never did put my hope in it. For the longest time, I've been contented just being by your side, but--" her lips trembled slightly before continuing on, "but that night, you said- you told me you love me and maybe it was stupid because who really believes a drunk man anyway? but I was stupid and all I can think of is that Karma-kun will not lie to me, right? You promised not to lie to me and you never did so I thought- "

Karma winces a little at the mention of their promise, looks at Manami's small figure and thinks he did this. He built her up only to break her in the cruelest way. He planted a seed in her that will take her away from him one way or another because there's no way he can ever fix it, and yet

"Say it again, please," 

Manami sobs as she begs and yet, 

"Tell me again that you love me."

and yet Karma cannot save her by repeating his lie. 

For what seems like eternity, Karma is back to the memory of sleepless nights, listening to Manami muffle her cries until they die in her throat.

\----

When she tells him again _the Daffodils are beautiful, Karma-kun, but it's so hard to breathe_ Karma stomps towards her bedside table, snatching the yellow flowers vehemently, and pads outside on shaking legs. He closes the door without sound and manages to round a corner before his knees give out and violent sobs rack his body. 

In the dim hospital hall, the yellow roses witness Karma's cry for absolution, but it was the single daffodil petal amidst them all that catches his tears. 

\--------

Karma does not cry when Manami dies.

He does not attend the funeral, not wanting to see them lower her body in a pit devoid of the things she loved. He does not mourn with their friends, does not send his condolences to her family, because how could he? He was the monster who drove his best friend to her sad fate. He, of all people, does not deserve to feel a prick of pain from her passing. Instead, he locks himself in their once shared apartment, hoping to pick up the pieces of what Manami left behind. 

He goes inside her room, taking his time to engrave the details of it in his memory. Tomorrow, they will be taking her things away and they will not spare him anything- not the books that Manami usually lends him, nor the clothes that he picked out for her. They will strip away everything that reminds him of her, from her sheets to her scent and he will try hard to hold on to something but in the end he will get nothing, not even the light of sympathy from their grieving eyes. 

So he rummages through Manami's belongings for the last time until he finds her thoughts immortalized in a yellowing journal. He reads in the silence of the empty room about her hopes and dreams and how she is grateful that _Karma-kun asked me to room with him._ He replays the words printed in neat writing inside his head until he can almost hear Manami say them in her lilting voice.

_It's been so long. I wonder if Karma-kun will recognize me_

_Finals are coming up. I hope we'll do fine_

_Nagisa-kun came to visit today._

_I'm nervous for the reunion tomorrow_

It strikes Karma how, even in the confidentiality of her journal, Manami stayed to be the positive light he knew her to be. He continues to read, hoping that her words will leave him any semblance of peace. Even when she speaks of her worries about university, about socializing, about her family, Karma continues to invade on her private thoughts. 

It wasn't long until the worries receded to a single name. His.

_Karma-kun seems odd today_

_Karma-kun said .._

_He's not speaking to me..._

Dread pools on his gut but he did not waver, facing the sad truth to his lie. 

_Today I coughed out a daffodil petal???_

_The tickling in my lungs feels bad_

_Hanahaki, huh?_

_So I suppose Karma-kun lied._

He almost choked on that. A chorus of I did I did I did lie pouring from his mouth. 

_No point in telling him..._

_Is it Nagisa-kun_

_He told me to remove it, and what? Forget him?_

_I feel so mad.._

_Not his fault..._

_I'd rather die..._

\-----

Karma used to feel sorry for a lot of things he did and he did not do. He thinks maybe it was wrong to share an apartment with her, share her problems, get her hopes up. Those were slowly washed away by the joy he gets whenever she smiles at him - bright and dazzling. He thinks that even though he can't reciprocate her feelings, he deserved her friendship.

But when he turns the last page of her journal, a daffodil flower pressed on it with words of her forgiveness, all he thinks is _I’m sorry we ever met._

_The daffodils are beautiful, Karma-kun, but it's so hard to breathe._

_Still, I wouldn't have it any other way_

**Author's Note:**

> No proofreading so lots of mistakes. I'm sorry I butchered the ending.


End file.
